WEEK 1

 SHAME

The first step of the 12-steps of AA gives us great insight into that one of the first things we must do to manage this addiction. The first word is “WE”. It is not by any mistake that “WE” is the first word. Most of my mistakes in trying to recover from this addiction were isolation, embarrassment, and being unaccountable to those who cared. I was lying about my behaviors and pushing away those who cared about me. The first word tells us we cannot do this alone. It is a collective conscious of others who are going through what I am going through: trying to stay sober. When we do anything, we try to do it with those with whom we have something in common.  When we drink or act out sexually, we migrate to those who are doing what we want to do. The same goes for recovery; we must migrate to those with the same goals.

One of the reasons that most Christians do not utilize the “we” factor is shame. The shame base for most Christians is so strong they are fearful of admitting the truth about their addictions to sex, and or drugs and alcohol. This fear is even more powerful as result of the stigma connected with sexual addictions. I have told many people that it is easier to admit to drinking a six-pack than it is to admit to looking at pornography or going to a massage parlor. As a result of the shame and stigma we shut off the very resources it takes to obtain the healing we need.

I am in hopes that my brethren and sisters can receive hope from what I have been through and the hope I share with you. The shame that I have been through was a powerful monster that kept the secrets, lies, and my isolation going. Shame can be, and will be, your monster.

The first thing that I had to overcome was shame. Along with the shame, was its sidekick fear. Fear of being discovered. Fear of not being accepted. The shame and fear were catalysts that kept my acting out going. The father of all lies wants you not to stop feeling the shame. He knows that it will debilitate you and drive you away from God. Shame, in most cases, can and will stop you from acquiring the help you need to stop acting out. In order to end your shame, you must confess your sins to God and turn from it. Then, you must confess it to your significant other, and to your closest friend. Then, you must be open about your behaviors to your significant other and to your closest friend. Remember that shame is your worst enemy. Keep your life as transparent as possible to those who love you.

At one point in our acting out shame, it became our motivation. It was our partner in our dysfunctional behavior. It became our partner in drinking or drugging. Shame was and is still part of our life whenever the devil can creep in with his darts of condemnation. Being a Christian, and living with condemnation, is too heavy of a burden to bear. It has a counter effect on us and how we reach out to those who love us. Shame and the condemnation of our sin drive us ever inward. As a result, we feel we will never be free of their grasp on us.

Depression, shame, is one part of self evaluation of the other parts of our self, and concluding that we have serious faults, so bad we should be ashamed. You judge yourself to be inadequate or unworthy or defective. You feel defective in a way you wouldn't want anyone to know about, so you hide your defects by pretending to be different; you create a false self to show the world in place of the embarrassing true self. This is called "soul murder" because you kill or disown a real part of you and start hiding behind a mask, fearful your faults will be "found out." If we can not accept what we really are, we are driven into a lifetime of deception, self-rejection, and suffering. Many serious psychological problems are caused by this kind of self-destructive, unhealthy shame.

Toxic shame screams at us that we are worthless; healthy shame gently reminds us of our limitations and faults. With healthy shame we aren't happy to have these embarrassing weaknesses and defects but this awareness is healthy. It keeps us in touch with reality--and it keeps us humble. A modicum of self-doubt also keeps us open-minded and searching for better understanding. In this section, we are concerned with the more serious unhealthy or toxic shame.

Toxic shame comes from toxic parents, according. For instance, if a child is forcefully told that his/her anger is bad, a terrible way to behave, really shameful, disapproved of by God, etc., that child is going to learn to inhibit anger because toxic shame is felt every time he/she gets mad.

Eventually the anger is disowned and denied; the child doesn't even reveal the angry feelings to him/herself; it is repressed. Yet, the child, like everyone else, is still frustrated and disappointed. The anger still exists within the alienated or hidden parts of the self and generates energy. This loss of part of the self and the presence of denied (unconscious) emotions must create a very confusing experience for the child, no wonder he/she feels helplessly out of control. More and more of the self (needs, emotions, actions, and thoughts) become shame ridden, even contemptible. You feel more and more flawed. The self feels it must escape from itself; this is done by creating a false self.

John Bradshaw (1988) points out that the false self will be different from the true self but in either a positive or a negative direction, e.g. you may begin to develop a self that is very neat and tidy (perfectionist?) or go in the direction of an untidy slob, you may come to see yourself as the family hero (caretaker) or the family scapegoat (black sheep), you may start heading towards "religious-prudish" or "rebellious-crude" roles, you may shift your anger to being an aggressive, domineering leader or to being a passive doormat, or you may develop a false self of a highly successful achiever or a worthless addict. Thus, Bradshaw says there may not be much difference between the obsessive workaholic CEO and the alcoholic in the alley. Both may be addicts suffering from toxic shame; both have created a false self to hide some awful "hole in their soul”.

Unhealthy, destructive shame is the cause of many kinds of addictions and compulsions. Because we feel defective, we seek something that will make us feel better--many of these activities become destructive compulsions in the long run. Examples: drinking temporarily helps us forget, get courage, and feel better; working hard diverts our attention from pain, reduces our anxiety, and produces results; over eating relieves many unpleasant feelings and occupies our time and mind; sex addiction provides a preoccupation, challenges, and "fun;" over spending feels good until we get the bill, etc. In short, there is a cycle: (1) I'm defective and unlovable, (2) since no one could love me as I am, I must be different, or I need something--the addiction--to make me feel better, (3) Wow! This works (getting drunk, making lots of money, fixing a great meal, picking up a hot date, etc.), (4) paying the price (hangovers, being divorced, getting fatter, getting AIDS, bankruptcy, mental breakdown, etc.), and (5) I was right, I am a terrible person--back to (1) again and start over.

We must break the shame cycle to break its grasp. We must understand that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We need to understand that shame is an instrument of the devil into our darkness, and separation from God. God knows our pain as a result of our shame. We have to be broken for God to accomplish His healing and work in us. The devil confuses us about being broken with regard to our sin and shame. The devil wants us to think that shame is from God. The devil uses it to bind us up. When we are bound with shame, we stop the process of healing through God. Nothing good comes from toxic shame, which is cancer to a Christian’s soul. It blocks us from receiving forgiveness. Shame, in its fullness, will cause depression; loss of pride and self-esteem; and even suicidal thoughts. Shame can be confused with repentance because of the remorse that accompanies the shame. Remorse and shame combined are the devils perfect way to block our minds from seeing the truth about godly repentance. We can break the shame binding us only with heartfelt, godly repentance.

“A guilty person fears punishment and wants to make amends. A shame-based person wants to be punished.”
-John Bradshaw

Proverbs 15:12

Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed. 

Psalm 25:3
No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Proverbs 13:18
He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored.

Isaiah 50:7
Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.

GOAL:

ACTION:

DATE ACTION AND GOAL COMPLETED:

PRAYER:

“Heavenly Father: I thank you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  You have created me for yourself – to know and love you.  I am made in your image, a little lower than the angels, and destined to be made into the likeness of your Son Jesus.  Yet, there is a cancer in my soul that tries to convince me that I am worthless and unwanted; maybe even unfixable.  Shame has become an identity for me, a false self that threatens to destroy my relationship with you and everyone else.  Thank you for bearing my shame on the cross. I need bear it no longer. May you grant me the grace to receive your forgiveness and expose the lie of the Enemy? May the reality of who I am in Christ burn through the fog of feelings of worthlessness.  You promise in your Word that if “anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.”  Let me live in the reality of my identity in you.  Forgive me. Cleanse me.  Make me new. 

In Jesus’ Name.  Amen.”

Pastor Tim Parish, New Life Church Pastor

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